A friend of a friend approached me with questions about open adoption the other day. “Do you ever wish you had just walked away? Closed the door on everything after leaving the hospital?” My answer needed only a split second of reflection. “No.” In my days without Dominic, — about 500 since he was born
How to Move from Gray into Color
Why Your Secrets Should Be Told…Sometimes
Since my first major manic episode which catalytically caused me to blow up my life, I feel like all of my respectable actions need an asterisk. If someone meets me in a capacity in which I’m affluent, I feel compelled by my truth-telling self to explain. “I’m fine right now, but you should have seen
What Running a 5K Taught Me About Birthmothers
I hate running. At least, that’s what I’ve told myself for most of my adult life. I used to play soccer, and running after a ball was OK, but running to train and running just for the sake of it feels horrible. On Sunday, I ran in my first 5K event. Although I trained for
How Mindfulness Helps Manage Life
Life is overwhelming. Even without birthmotherhood attached, the journey is tough, demanding and taxing. For a few months now, I’ve been in a rut. Dominic’s birthday in May really set me off track and I’ve struggled to get back on my path. As discussed in last week’s post, mindfulness is often an effective tool when grieving,
What to Practice When Grief Takes Over
Advice for dealing with grief is everywhere. The Internet abounds with it, friends and family are quick to offer it, and best-selling books are full of it. As a friend recently reminded me, though, each person’s grief journey is unique. Advice should be replaced with compassion. Grief charts its own course, but those whom it
How Being a Birthmother Makes Me a Fraud
So much of life as a birthmother is a Catch-22. I was reminded of this at my last visit, when I took Dominic to the largest playground near his house. He clambered around on the playground equipment, looking so proud as he descended the slide by himself. Children of all ages swarmed the equipment, while
Do You Rob Yourself of the Good Days?
Guilt is crazy in two ways: First, Guilt uses peer pressure to ask why you’re still grieving so hard after “X” amount of time. Second, Guilt shows up on your doorstep when you’re having a good day because you neglected to mourn. There’s no winning. Usually, my days are long stretches of empty hours spent
How a Mathematic Theory Gives My Placement Purpose
“Do you believe Dominic is here for a reason?” I blinked at my counselor. It was a yes-or-no question, but the answer seemed more complicated than what those small words could express. No? Yes? I mean, sometimes? “I don’t know,” I said after an awkward silence. She let the topic drop. The day she asked
How I’m Raising an Invisible Child
In my childhood, three imaginary friends kept me company. Small in stature, Golly, Hammer and Guys ate dinner, played tea parties and ran outside with me. I always became upset when one of my parents accidentally sat on them and squished them. Golly, Hammer and Guys were imaginary. Even though I outgrew them, sometimes I
What to Remember in the Shame of Everyday Life
Mothers often feel a lot of shame. Whether it’s the voices of friends, family, society, or themselves, mothers constantly hear about how they should parent, how they should look, how their kids should behave and perform, what they should feed their family, etc. I have a lot of compassion for mothers. I know what it’s