Putting my pen to the paper in front of me, I signed my name on the dotted line. I was not paying a restaurant bill, accepting a package, or buying a car. No, on the day after my baby was born, I was signing his care over to another family.
In only a few days, I realized I had surrendered more than a human I birthed — as if that wasn’t enough. I also surrendered any power over the course of his life. I succumbed to helplessness.
Living without the ability to impact Dominic’s day-to-day life and at the mercy of his parents to grant me access leads to many fears. Will they shut me out one day? What will they tell him about me as he gets older?
Then I worry about the person he will become. Will he love me? Will he understand why I gave him to another family? If I have other children, will he forgive me for raising them and not him? What will his opinion of me be? How will his adoption affect his views of family?
I cannot help but ask questions about his future and where I fit into it.
Although these are my fears and questions, many of them are shared by other birthmothers.
Four birthmothers volunteered to talk with me about their own fears in email interviews. I am so grateful to these ladies for their courage, strength and willingness to share their hearts.
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Alixis is 24 and placed her daughter 3 days after giving birth in March 2012. She has an open adoption, but does not have the best relationship with the adoptive parents. Alixis is currently married and pregnant with her second child.
Nicole, 24, gave birth to a daughter in March 2011, and placed her immediately. The adoption is open, and Nicole has a great relationship with her daughter’s dads.
Madeline is 20, and her daughter Joy turned 1 in January. She has a good relationship with Joy’s parents in an open adoption.
Debra, 29, also gave birth to a daughter, Selma, 10 years ago. She waited until Selma was 3 or 4 weeks old before placing in an open adoption, which has developed into a good relationship. Debra has two other children whom she parents: a 13-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son.
Each woman voiced some of her most persistent questions or fears regarding her adoption. They explained how they handle these fears and the emotions that come with the territory, and also compared their concerns to those of a parenting mother.
Alixis:
Will they ever tell my daughter who I really am? I’m pregnant right now (a planned pregnancy with my husband), and how will this affect my daughter? I worry how my daughter will feel with me having a child only 4 years after she was born. Like, how can I be ready now, but I wasn’t ready then? Will my kids be able to meet? I fear that I chose the wrong parents for my daughter because of how their attitude completely changed once they adopted my daughter.
[These fears] make me feel anxious and angry and out of control. I feel like I am a subordinate in the relationship and that I have to play the game right in order to get pictures or visits with my daughter. If I ask for more pictures, then I’m selfish. If I ask for more visits, then I’m not understanding of how busy they are. I deal with it through lots of therapy and writing in my journal. I recently found that writing letters to members of the adoption group (the adoptive parents and my daughter, as well as others who played a role in the adoption) in my journal really helps me to let those feelings out instead of keeping them bottled up.
I think that my concerns are completely different from “typical” concerns. I know that she is being cared for physically, so I don’t have those worries. What I’m worried about is her emotional status and how the adoptive parents aren’t really looking out for her best interest. While I was still pregnant, I was told that the adoptive father didn’t want to tell my daughter that I was her birthmother. Although I put in our adoption agreement that they must tell her who I am, the agreement isn’t enforceable in any way, so there’s no way of knowing if they will actually follow through or not.
I don’t want to be part of a situation where my daughter finds out when she’s much older that I’m her birthmother and she feels like I was part of keeping that from her. It’s a guarantee that if I tried to bring it up on one of our visits, I would be pushed away for “crossing the line.” I have no way of knowing when or if they will tell her, or even how they will tell her, and me not knowing that means that there will be strife in the future if she starts asking me questions and my answers differ from her parents’ answers.
I also worry that she will feel like she wasn’t wanted, which definitely wasn’t the case at all. I worry that she will pull away from her adoptive parents if she finds out how they’ve treated me, and I also worry that if she finds out how they’ve treated me, she will feel like something is inherently wrong with her because of how they treat me (the person she came from).
Nicole:
The biggest question/fear for me is whether or not I made the best decision for the both of us. I know I was not equipped with the skills or financial statues to raise her properly but at the end of the day, was it the best? Another big fear is, will she understand my decision and still love me? Or, really, will she love me? I sacrificed a lot by placing her and I wish I could have parented her, but will she see it that way? My visits now are based on her parents’ time, but when she is older, will she still want to see me or will she hate me?
These fears are always in the back of my mind. It’s such a mix of emotions like guilt, fear, sadness, scared, and others, it’s hard to describe. Though my adoption is open and her parents allow me to be in her life, that doesn’t take away the feelings. The main feeling I have when thinking of my fears is an emptiness. I try to stuff it with animals, friends, family, but that emptiness hasn’t ever gone away. The way I deal with it day-to-day is to remind myself of the good that came out of the placement. She is well taken care of and has everything in the world. Her parents love her so much. And for me, I am able to live a life I deserved, too. I can work for a career and still be a 24-year-old.
My motherly concerns differ from mothers that parent by the fact that I’m not with her day-to-day. So my concerns are long-term and general ones and that’s it. I gave up my right to be there every day so I don’t have to worry if she is doing her best in school or about that test or project coming up. My concerns are more general since I don’t see her daily life and cannot be concerned because I have no idea what’s going on. They are similar to those that parent daily because we both want what is best for her at the end of the day.
Madeline:
Every day I ask myself, is she eating right? Is she getting the proper attention she needs? Are they telling her about me or showing her pictures of me?…
Honestly, every day I think about this. My relationship with [the adoptive parents] may not be as strong as it was before Joy was born, but I understand. Life gets busy and they are raising a baby now and want to get used to the feeling that she is now theirs. My biggest fear is that they are going to stop talking to me, or if something happens to Joy, they are not going to tell me.
I remind myself, though, that they are her parents now and they can choose to not tell me; and yes, living with the fear does scare me, but I know deep down that one day Joy will know who I am and she will want to have a relationship with me….My relationship may or may not change with [the adoptive parents], but they are Joy’s parents, and I respect that they wanted to take my daughter and be parents to her. I am very thankful for them. As for my relationship with Joy, I hope it’s the strongest it can be, and I just want her to know that no matter what, I will always love her and I will always be around as much as she wants me to be.
Debra:
Before the adoption, I feared regretting my decision or becoming so attached to my daughter that I would be afraid to place; after the adoption and currently, I fear that I will never have a close relationship with Selma and that she will resent me for placing her for adoption and not raising her with my other children.
The fears don’t really bother me too much. I don’t think about it too much. I remain hopeful that I’ll be closer to her as she gets older. I also see how happy she is when we have visits and that makes me think that things will turn out all right.
I mainly have concerns about my daughter’s health and happiness and that she does well in school. Ultimately, I want her to turn out to be a healthy, happy, well-adjusted and independent adult. I think my concerns are different because I am not with her on a day-to-day basis and the times I do see her, I see how happy and healthy she is. I don’t think I stress as much about how she is going to turn out as much as I do with my other children, because she gets good grades in school and is on the right track for a good life. I was concerned that her family recently switched her from private school to public school, but had to remind myself that it was not my decision to make and that ultimately her adjustment to the new school turned out well and my concern about her going to a public school was unfounded.
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In future blog posts, we will get to know Alixis, Debra, Madeline and Nicole better through their discussion of other topics.
The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.” — H.P. Lovecraft
What fears do you have as a birthmother? If you were having a conversation with Alixis, Debra, Madeline and Nicole, what encouragement might you have for them on this topic? Share your thoughts in the comment box below.
Emily ~ How kind and brave of these four women (and you) to bring us into their heads and hearts. This is beyond the kindness and bravery they showed in giving over their children. Thank you. And them. xoA
Nicely written, and valuable to have others share their journey. It may be helpful to understand that adoptive mothers struggle with similar issues, and their fear is that you as the birth mother may somehow trump them eventually in the child’s life. Their hestation to share is self preservation for their need to be a cohesive family without your involvement, and to provide a nurturing, stable uncomplicated environment to raise the child. Sometimes it helps to look at both sides of the equation.
Jenny, thanks for the added perspective. Even though I focused on just one side in this post, I do think it’s important to try to understand both sides. I know my relationship with the adoptive mother of my son has been strengthened by our ability to see each other’s perspective and to be honest about our feelings. Thanks for highlighting the fears of an adoptive mother.
This makes me see into minds and hearts of birth mothers. Thank you.