Why Fences Need Gates

My backyard is enclosed by a privacy fence. Since we have two mutts who like their space, the fence has proved to be convenient. Having the fence so tall also gives me an extra measure of mental ease, since none of my next-door neighbors can see into my back windows.

But when Neil and I first moved to California, our rental was a duplex and had a chain-link fence. The tenants in the other unit were sometimes friendly, but eventually, we saw too much of them and their bad habits to get along very well. I dreaded going outside for fear of being accosted. We lived there less than a year.

The difference between these two fences can be compared to relationship boundaries. Some boundaries allow for more contact, while others provide more privacy. Choosing which to incorporate impacts the relationship itself and those involved.

Being a birthmother can demand some hefty fences; living as a person society tends to ignore or condemn leads naturally into isolation. My own experience has led me to believe that these fences can be part of a grieving process, but at some point, tearing down the barbed wire becomes the healthier choice.

Before giving birth, I built a fortress. I steeled myself against attacks by announcing that no one was welcome.

“After I have the baby, I don’t want to see anyone,” I said. “Don’t come by my house. If you text me or call me, I won’t respond.”

My close friends were supportive during my pregnancy, but I shut them out, anyway. I needed space to process the adoption.

Within a couple of weeks, I restarted communication with my friends and family. I felt safe enough to let in the good they were offering, and strong enough to identify and evict any bad.

In the book “Boundaries,” Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend wrote:

We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside. In short, boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out…Sometimes, we have bad on the inside and good on the outside. In these instances, we need to be able to open up our boundaries to let the good in and the bad out.”

Although it was good for me to let everyone know I needed time to myself, that good would have turned to bad if I had continued living in my fortress, like an apple rotting in my fruit basket.

Progressing from a well-guarded compound to an inviting suburban home is not necessary or even safe in every relationship. I’ve lowered my guard with people I shouldn’t have, but I’ve found that taking a chance is often well worth the risk.

Opening my gate to let people in helped me evaluate who was safe and who was not. The safe people are welcome to visit, while those who proved unsafe are banned from my property.

As a birthmother, I find it so easy to hide behind a well-guarded fence. After all, do I really need to share my story? Can’t I go on with my life without exposing myself to scrutiny and judgement?

No, I don’t need to share. Yes, I can live without embracing vulnerability.

But I have learned that the rewards of opening up far outweigh the pains of being hurt. The more I open up and find safe people, the more brave I become to speak my truth. Then, when I am hurt, I have an arsenal of support to which to turn.

 

How do you feel when you open up, especially if you are a birthmother? Do you unlock your gate for safe people, or do you tend to hide behind a wall? Share your thoughts in the comment box below.