How Regret Can Be Divisive

How Regret Can Be Divisive
Keira Scarff/Creative Commons
Model portrayed.

One of the recurring themes of being a birthmother is regret. The topic has surfaced in many of my conversations with birthmothers. Some of them regret their decision to place, while others regret the way in which the placement was handled or certain details about the adoption. Still other birthmothers, like three of the women I interviewed in a previous post, regret nothing about their adoption.

I am not free of regret. The feeling comes in waves. At high tide, I regret my decision to place altogether. I regret giving up the chance to parent my own child and not being in a better situation when I brought him into the world.

But when the tide is out, I am so thankful for how everything happened. I’m disappointed with myself for the poor choices I made, but I am grateful for Robby and Marie, and especially for Dominic.

Tied to my regret is a certain degree of shame. As opposed to guilt, which separates actions from identity, shame declares me unworthy as a human being. Guilt says, “I did something bad,” while shame says, “I am bad.”

It’s easy for me to look back and think, “Why didn’t I see this or that?” Living in the “now,” I have a hard time remembering what it was like in the “then.” I separate myself into two people: “Now Emily” and “Then Emily.”

Author Brené Brown is a shame researcher and proposes that the solution to shame is empathy. In “I Thought It Was Just Me,” Brown defines empathy as “the skill or ability to tap into our own experiences in order to connect with an experience someone is relating to us.” Brown cites another definition by counseling textbook writers Arn Ivey, Paul Pederson and Mary Ivey: “[T]he ability to perceive a situation from the other person’s perspective. To see, hear and feel the unique world of the other.”

What so often happens in regret is that “Now Emily” heaps shame onto “Then Emily.” She refuses to perceive the experiences of her past-self as valid. Caught up in the knowledge of the future, “Now Emily”‘s tunnel vision bulldozes the reality of “Then Emily” and discounts her decision-making. The Emily who is no longer facing the hard choice has an easy time condemning the Emily who had to decide.

These warring selves keep me in a cycle of not only regret and shame, but also isolation, unforgiveness and insecurity. If my future self will convict me for what I choose to do now, how can I, in good conscience, make any choice?

Following Brown’s advice, the way to reunite myself is to extend empathy to “Then Emily.” By seeing, hearing, feeling and vividly remembering her world, I can be compassionate because I have actually been there, and done that.

We have met the enemy, and he is us.” — Walt Kelly, cartoonist

 

Have you ever separated yourself into two people based on decisions you’ve made in the past? Were you able to reconcile the two and if so, how? Leave a reply in the comment box below! Feel free to share any other thoughts, too.

3 thoughts on “How Regret Can Be Divisive

  1. Meagan

    I needed this today. To know I’m not alone is such a source of support. Fourteen years later I am finally facing the “then Meagan” and reconciling the guilt and grief. It’s also so difficult to deal with the “then parents” and others who played a role in the decision that was made. It hurts, and healing has taken what feels like a lifetime. Her name is Regan.

    • Emily

      Meagan, thanks for sharing. Forgiveness of ourselves and others is a tough thing. I’m glad you are taking steps toward healing. Your love for Regan cannot be diminished by showing grace to yourself! I hope you continue to find support and affirmation. Best wishes on your journey.

  2. Losing faith in myself and feeling I could not parent my son is ONLY regret of my life. I don’t live with regret s, I pick myself up, land on my feet and move on. But not with this. Not with losing my child and watching the damage it did to my oldest, my now husband. So unnecessary.

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