“So I heard you had the baby,” a friend said to me less than a month after Dominic was born. I looked at him, hoping my wince was imperceptible. “Yes.” “Congratulations,” he said with sincerity. “Thanks,” I mumbled, turning away to hide my flushed face. What was he congratulating me for, I wondered. Clearly I […]
child
How Birthmothers Can Find Peace — Part Two
Author’s note: This is the conclusion to a two-part series on finding peace. The first part was published last week and can be read here. The word “peace” is often used to describe stillness, resolution, or a time absent of war. Parents (of children or animals) long for “peace and quiet,” while somewhere a […]
How Birthmothers Can Find Peace — Part One
Author’s note: This is the first in a two-part series on finding peace. The conclusion will be published next week. Two weeks ago, a large wildfire raged about 60 miles north of where I live. The fire began on the outskirts of the little town of Lake Isabella and spread quickly. Officials ordered evacuations […]
How Not to be a Victim Anymore
Recently, I read a blog post by one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller. The title caught my eye because it is a question I’ve often asked myself: “Are you playing the victim to manipulate others?” Miller argues that everyone has been a victim at least once in their lives, and wrote, “We were either […]
Being a Birthmother Again and Forever
Common human experiences create communities, cultures, friends, families and other groups of people. A camaraderie forms between those who go together through things like high school graduation, playing on a sports team, attending church, an unexpected death or tragedy, or another bond-forming event or activity. Parenthood is one of the most universal denominators among adults. […]
Why I Won’t Let Society Dictate my Identity
This year was my first Mother’s Day as a birthmother. As the holiday neared, I found myself re-evaluating my identity as a birthmother. Dominic’s first birthday is also this month, which is causing me to brood a bit on the past year’s events. In my first blog post, I was optimistic about my birthmother identity, […]
Mother’s Day Letters from Adoptive Parents
Today, many families will set aside time to pay tribute to the mothers in their lives. All mothers deserve honor — not just on Mother’s Day, but daily. Yet for birthmothers, this honor is sometimes withheld, and today’s celebrations can be just another painful reminder of the lack of recognition and the decision to place. […]
Preparing for Mother’s Day
In lieu of a post today, I am preparing a special Mother’s Day post to be published on Sunday. Several adoptive parents have written letters to the birthmother(s) of their child/ren and agreed to share them on this blog. Please check back on Sunday to read their kind words of thankfulness, encouragement and love! To […]
Seeking Closure from an Ambiguous Loss
No doubts exist in my mind about whether I lost a child. I did. In most contexts, “losing someone” implies a death. But some scenarios, including mine as a birthmother, are much more complicated. With a Ph.D. in child development and family studies, Pauline Boss is an educator, researcher and author of the theory of […]
Why Numbing is a Necessary Evil
Dominic held his grandfather’s hand as he navigated the grass in his backyard. His little eyes focused on the ground in front of him and his moving feet, which were donned with puppy face shoes. His grandfather was ready to steady him if he stumbled. I watched from the other side of the lush lawn, […]