“Do you believe Dominic is here for a reason?” I blinked at my counselor. It was a yes-or-no question, but the answer seemed more complicated than what those small words could express. No? Yes? I mean, sometimes? “I don’t know,” I said after an awkward silence. She let the topic drop. The day she asked […]
fear
‘Moving On’ Without ‘Getting Over It’
“When are you going to get over it?” These hurtful words are spoken to many birthmothers, who I’ve heard lamenting the questioner’s lack of empathy and compassion. The one who asks the question may be well-intentioned, trying to motivate the birthmother to move through her grief and depression after placement. (Or they are just being […]
Backtracking Through Hatred to Find Peace
The last two years of my life have evoked the strongest emotions I’ve ever experienced. Some of these emotions are not pretty: jealousy, envy, anger, even hate. Lately I have felt a lot of anger, and sometimes I let it turn into hate. My hatred can become so strong that it eclipses any of my other […]
Why Authenticity is Worth the Risk
When I am presented with a difficult question, my answer choices generally boil down to lying or telling truth, though perhaps only a version of it. The most difficult question I face is, “Do you have children?” This query forces me to consider whether I will identify as a birthmother. In this situation, not only […]
Dealing with Denial: Three Birthmothers Speak Out
Perhaps the most well-known philosophy on grief is the Kübler-Ross model. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross postulated in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” that grievers progress through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Later in life, she acknowledged these stages are not universal nor does everyone move through them in the same order. […]
Tunnel Vision
Writing this blog requires a lot of introspection. Self-evaluation of my thoughts, feelings and actions is constant. I want to put out insightful material, and that requires me to dig deeply to identify my core issues as a birthmother. I am beginning to wonder, though, whether I have recently become too honed-in on myself. Am […]
Questioning the Future: Common Fears of Birthmothers
Putting my pen to the paper in front of me, I signed my name on the dotted line. I was not paying a restaurant bill, accepting a package, or buying a car. No, on the day after my baby was born, I was signing his care over to another family. In only a few days, […]