“When are you going to get over it?” These hurtful words are spoken to many birthmothers, who I’ve heard lamenting the questioner’s lack of empathy and compassion. The one who asks the question may be well-intentioned, trying to motivate the birthmother to move through her grief and depression after placement. (Or they are just being
‘Moving On’ Without ‘Getting Over It’
When I Feel Jealous…
When I feel jealous, my cheeks flush. When I feel jealous, my breathing stops. When I feel jealous, my stomach knots. When I feel jealous, I zero in on her holding him as he clings to her. When I feel jealous, I look away, blinking back tears. When I feel jealous, I wish I was
Why Numbing is a Necessary Evil
Dominic held his grandfather’s hand as he navigated the grass in his backyard. His little eyes focused on the ground in front of him and his moving feet, which were donned with puppy face shoes. His grandfather was ready to steady him if he stumbled. I watched from the other side of the lush lawn,
Three Things to Learn from the Practice of Zen
Zen Buddhism emphasizes meditation, through which followers believe enlightenment can be attained. According to one website, the religion “rejects the study of scriptures, religious rites, devotional practices, and good works in favor of meditation leading to a sudden breakthrough of insight and awareness of ultimate reality.” I am not a follower of Zen Buddhism, but
Why Openness is not a Universal Solution
Communication is the glue of relationships. It trumps proximity, commonality, and even time, in keeping people together. Without effective communication, a relationship cannot be established or move forward. In open adoption relationships, communication between the adoptive family and the birth family is what keeps the adoption open. The families are tied by the child, but
Backtracking Through Hatred to Find Peace
The last two years of my life have evoked the strongest emotions I’ve ever experienced. Some of these emotions are not pretty: jealousy, envy, anger, even hate. Lately I have felt a lot of anger, and sometimes I let it turn into hate. My hatred can become so strong that it eclipses any of my other
Why Authenticity is Worth the Risk
When I am presented with a difficult question, my answer choices generally boil down to lying or telling truth, though perhaps only a version of it. The most difficult question I face is, “Do you have children?” This query forces me to consider whether I will identify as a birthmother. In this situation, not only
How to Conquer Adoption-Related Xenophobia
When we perceive a threat, our natural reaction is to defend ourselves with our fight, flight or freeze response system. Sometimes a perceived threat is not a true threat. Xenophobia is defined as “an unreasonable fear or hatred of…that which is foreign or strange.” Foreign ideas or differing lifestyles may cause us to feel defensive. But
Why I Hoard Keepsakes Since Becoming a Birthmother
A popular — and therefore, commercialized — activity for vacationers is to buy souvenirs. Tourists hunt for trophies from their favorite destinations to lug home for their left-behind family, friends or dog. Sometimes these mementos are displayed in the traveler’s own home, because he or she wants to remember the getaway through this token. Usually
When His Preference Is Not Me
A few weeks ago, I had a short visit with Dominic and his parents while I was in town for another engagement. I stopped in on my way home, knowing the visit would last only a couple of hours. I was so thankful for the opportunity to see him, even for a little while, instead