This year was my first Mother’s Day as a birthmother. As the holiday neared, I found myself re-evaluating my identity as a birthmother. Dominic’s first birthday is also this month, which is causing me to brood a bit on the past year’s events. In my first blog post, I was optimistic about my birthmother identity, […]
adoption
Mother’s Day Letters from Adoptive Parents
Today, many families will set aside time to pay tribute to the mothers in their lives. All mothers deserve honor — not just on Mother’s Day, but daily. Yet for birthmothers, this honor is sometimes withheld, and today’s celebrations can be just another painful reminder of the lack of recognition and the decision to place. […]
Seeking Closure from an Ambiguous Loss
No doubts exist in my mind about whether I lost a child. I did. In most contexts, “losing someone” implies a death. But some scenarios, including mine as a birthmother, are much more complicated. With a Ph.D. in child development and family studies, Pauline Boss is an educator, researcher and author of the theory of […]
‘Moving On’ Without ‘Getting Over It’
“When are you going to get over it?” These hurtful words are spoken to many birthmothers, who I’ve heard lamenting the questioner’s lack of empathy and compassion. The one who asks the question may be well-intentioned, trying to motivate the birthmother to move through her grief and depression after placement. (Or they are just being […]
When I Feel Jealous…
When I feel jealous, my cheeks flush. When I feel jealous, my breathing stops. When I feel jealous, my stomach knots. When I feel jealous, I zero in on her holding him as he clings to her. When I feel jealous, I look away, blinking back tears. When I feel jealous, I wish I was […]
Why Numbing is a Necessary Evil
Dominic held his grandfather’s hand as he navigated the grass in his backyard. His little eyes focused on the ground in front of him and his moving feet, which were donned with puppy face shoes. His grandfather was ready to steady him if he stumbled. I watched from the other side of the lush lawn, […]
Three Things to Learn from the Practice of Zen
Zen Buddhism emphasizes meditation, through which followers believe enlightenment can be attained. According to one website, the religion “rejects the study of scriptures, religious rites, devotional practices, and good works in favor of meditation leading to a sudden breakthrough of insight and awareness of ultimate reality.” I am not a follower of Zen Buddhism, but […]
Why Openness is not a Universal Solution
Communication is the glue of relationships. It trumps proximity, commonality, and even time, in keeping people together. Without effective communication, a relationship cannot be established or move forward. In open adoption relationships, communication between the adoptive family and the birth family is what keeps the adoption open. The families are tied by the child, but […]
Backtracking Through Hatred to Find Peace
The last two years of my life have evoked the strongest emotions I’ve ever experienced. Some of these emotions are not pretty: jealousy, envy, anger, even hate. Lately I have felt a lot of anger, and sometimes I let it turn into hate. My hatred can become so strong that it eclipses any of my other […]
Why Authenticity is Worth the Risk
When I am presented with a difficult question, my answer choices generally boil down to lying or telling truth, though perhaps only a version of it. The most difficult question I face is, “Do you have children?” This query forces me to consider whether I will identify as a birthmother. In this situation, not only […]