“Am I a mother?” The answer might seem apparent at first. But I have asked this question many times, and I’ve heard other birthmoms ask, too. The website “Your Dictionary” offers this definition of motherhood: “Motherhood is the state or experience of having and raising a child.” I think the dictionary definition would be more accurate […]
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Four Lessons from my First Birthmother Retreat
Thanks to a local non-profit, I spent a November weekend with 15 other birthmothers near Napa. The organization facilitates these retreats multiple times a year, allowing birthmothers to connect with each other and share their innermost feelings in a safe and therapeutic environment, free of charge. Being my first retreat, I wasn’t sure what to […]
Questioning the Future: Common Fears of Birthmothers
Putting my pen to the paper in front of me, I signed my name on the dotted line. I was not paying a restaurant bill, accepting a package, or buying a car. No, on the day after my baby was born, I was signing his care over to another family. In only a few days, […]
How I Invalidated Adoption Consequences
Do you hear it? That voice, the one in your head. It starts small, with just a whisper, but straining to hear the words only encourages the voice to grow into a loud, mean hiss. My little voice cycles through various accusations of incompetence, selfishness, fault, stupidity — whatever the insecurity of the day. When […]
To Be Better, Stop Being Bad
When writing, I sometimes use clichés because I’m lazy. I opt to be un-creative. Yet I want to be a better writer, one who doesn’t use clichés. Pondering this dilemma, I realized the only way for me to truly get better was to quit being bad — to quit giving myself a free pass to […]
Why You are the Most Important Person in the World
Before takeoff, airline flight attendants direct passengers to put on their own oxygen mask before helping anyone else in the case of an emergency. My motherly instincts tell me to put children before myself; I would rather suffocate than have a child next to me run out of air. Logic tells me, though, that if […]
Why I Wait in the Wings
Every day since Dominic was born, I find myself waiting. I wait for a phone call from Marie. I wait for her to post new pictures to our shared Google Drive folder. I wait for the tears and pain to pass. I wait for the clock to tick away the minutes until my next visit. […]
Why I ‘Gave,’ Not ‘Placed,’ My Child
Use of language is highly specific to context. In the realm of adoption, professionals and birthmothers alike seem to have a particular preference when referring to the act of adoption, describing it as a “placement.” Being new to the adoption world, I have struggled to use “correct” terminology out of ignorance, not insensitivity. I am […]