Dominic held his grandfather’s hand as he navigated the grass in his backyard. His little eyes focused on the ground in front of him and his moving feet, which were donned with puppy face shoes. His grandfather was ready to steady him if he stumbled. I watched from the other side of the lush lawn, […]
parent
Why Openness is not a Universal Solution
Communication is the glue of relationships. It trumps proximity, commonality, and even time, in keeping people together. Without effective communication, a relationship cannot be established or move forward. In open adoption relationships, communication between the adoptive family and the birth family is what keeps the adoption open. The families are tied by the child, but […]
Backtracking Through Hatred to Find Peace
The last two years of my life have evoked the strongest emotions I’ve ever experienced. Some of these emotions are not pretty: jealousy, envy, anger, even hate. Lately I have felt a lot of anger, and sometimes I let it turn into hate. My hatred can become so strong that it eclipses any of my other […]
How to Conquer Adoption-Related Xenophobia
When we perceive a threat, our natural reaction is to defend ourselves with our fight, flight or freeze response system. Sometimes a perceived threat is not a true threat. Xenophobia is defined as “an unreasonable fear or hatred of…that which is foreign or strange.” Foreign ideas or differing lifestyles may cause us to feel defensive. But […]
When His Preference Is Not Me
A few weeks ago, I had a short visit with Dominic and his parents while I was in town for another engagement. I stopped in on my way home, knowing the visit would last only a couple of hours. I was so thankful for the opportunity to see him, even for a little while, instead […]
Dealing with Denial: Three Birthmothers Speak Out
Perhaps the most well-known philosophy on grief is the Kübler-Ross model. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross postulated in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” that grievers progress through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Later in life, she acknowledged these stages are not universal nor does everyone move through them in the same order. […]
What Birthmothers and Empty Nesters Have in Common
When a mother gives birth, she empties herself of her child. The baby begins a new life outside of the mother’s body, but still close to her, still relying on her for food and nurture. The mother’s body is empty, but her arms are full. In adoption, the woman who carries the child will not […]
Vulnerability Sprouts New Growth
Springtime in Southern California comes early. In our little mountain town, buds formed on the trees in February while daffodils pushed through the soil and have recently bloomed. Despite a few frosts and even snowfalls since the signs of spring arrived, the hills remain green and some neighbors have re-begun watering their lawns in anticipation […]
Thoughts on Regret
“Hindsight is 20/20.” The saying has never seemed more true than when I think back on my adoption decision. Acknowledging that I could not tell the future was the driving force behind choosing to give Dominic to another family. A year ago, I did not know how my marriage might heal from the events of […]
Tunnel Vision
Writing this blog requires a lot of introspection. Self-evaluation of my thoughts, feelings and actions is constant. I want to put out insightful material, and that requires me to dig deeply to identify my core issues as a birthmother. I am beginning to wonder, though, whether I have recently become too honed-in on myself. Am […]