Communication is the glue of relationships. It trumps proximity, commonality, and even time, in keeping people together. Without effective communication, a relationship cannot be established or move forward. In open adoption relationships, communication between the adoptive family and the birth family is what keeps the adoption open. The families are tied by the child, but […]
placed
How to Conquer Adoption-Related Xenophobia
When we perceive a threat, our natural reaction is to defend ourselves with our fight, flight or freeze response system. Sometimes a perceived threat is not a true threat. Xenophobia is defined as “an unreasonable fear or hatred of…that which is foreign or strange.” Foreign ideas or differing lifestyles may cause us to feel defensive. But […]
When His Preference Is Not Me
A few weeks ago, I had a short visit with Dominic and his parents while I was in town for another engagement. I stopped in on my way home, knowing the visit would last only a couple of hours. I was so thankful for the opportunity to see him, even for a little while, instead […]
Dealing with Denial: Three Birthmothers Speak Out
Perhaps the most well-known philosophy on grief is the Kübler-Ross model. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross postulated in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” that grievers progress through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Later in life, she acknowledged these stages are not universal nor does everyone move through them in the same order. […]
Thoughts on Regret
“Hindsight is 20/20.” The saying has never seemed more true than when I think back on my adoption decision. Acknowledging that I could not tell the future was the driving force behind choosing to give Dominic to another family. A year ago, I did not know how my marriage might heal from the events of […]
Why Fences Need Gates
My backyard is enclosed by a privacy fence. Since we have two mutts who like their space, the fence has proved to be convenient. Having the fence so tall also gives me an extra measure of mental ease, since none of my next-door neighbors can see into my back windows. But when Neil and I […]
Four Lessons from my First Birthmother Retreat
Thanks to a local non-profit, I spent a November weekend with 15 other birthmothers near Napa. The organization facilitates these retreats multiple times a year, allowing birthmothers to connect with each other and share their innermost feelings in a safe and therapeutic environment, free of charge. Being my first retreat, I wasn’t sure what to […]
Questioning the Future: Common Fears of Birthmothers
Putting my pen to the paper in front of me, I signed my name on the dotted line. I was not paying a restaurant bill, accepting a package, or buying a car. No, on the day after my baby was born, I was signing his care over to another family. In only a few days, […]
To Be Better, Stop Being Bad
When writing, I sometimes use clichés because I’m lazy. I opt to be un-creative. Yet I want to be a better writer, one who doesn’t use clichés. Pondering this dilemma, I realized the only way for me to truly get better was to quit being bad — to quit giving myself a free pass to […]
Why I ‘Gave,’ Not ‘Placed,’ My Child
Use of language is highly specific to context. In the realm of adoption, professionals and birthmothers alike seem to have a particular preference when referring to the act of adoption, describing it as a “placement.” Being new to the adoption world, I have struggled to use “correct” terminology out of ignorance, not insensitivity. I am […]