A few weeks ago, I had a short visit with Dominic and his parents while I was in town for another engagement. I stopped in on my way home, knowing the visit would last only a couple of hours. I was so thankful for the opportunity to see him, even for a little while, instead […]
pregnancy
Dealing with Denial: Three Birthmothers Speak Out
Perhaps the most well-known philosophy on grief is the Kübler-Ross model. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross postulated in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” that grievers progress through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Later in life, she acknowledged these stages are not universal nor does everyone move through them in the same order. […]
What Birthmothers and Empty Nesters Have in Common
When a mother gives birth, she empties herself of her child. The baby begins a new life outside of the mother’s body, but still close to her, still relying on her for food and nurture. The mother’s body is empty, but her arms are full. In adoption, the woman who carries the child will not […]
Vulnerability Sprouts New Growth
Springtime in Southern California comes early. In our little mountain town, buds formed on the trees in February while daffodils pushed through the soil and have recently bloomed. Despite a few frosts and even snowfalls since the signs of spring arrived, the hills remain green and some neighbors have re-begun watering their lawns in anticipation […]
Thoughts on Regret
“Hindsight is 20/20.” The saying has never seemed more true than when I think back on my adoption decision. Acknowledging that I could not tell the future was the driving force behind choosing to give Dominic to another family. A year ago, I did not know how my marriage might heal from the events of […]
Why Fences Need Gates
My backyard is enclosed by a privacy fence. Since we have two mutts who like their space, the fence has proved to be convenient. Having the fence so tall also gives me an extra measure of mental ease, since none of my next-door neighbors can see into my back windows. But when Neil and I […]
Four Lessons from my First Birthmother Retreat
Thanks to a local non-profit, I spent a November weekend with 15 other birthmothers near Napa. The organization facilitates these retreats multiple times a year, allowing birthmothers to connect with each other and share their innermost feelings in a safe and therapeutic environment, free of charge. Being my first retreat, I wasn’t sure what to […]
Questioning the Future: Common Fears of Birthmothers
Putting my pen to the paper in front of me, I signed my name on the dotted line. I was not paying a restaurant bill, accepting a package, or buying a car. No, on the day after my baby was born, I was signing his care over to another family. In only a few days, […]
How I Invalidated Adoption Consequences
Do you hear it? That voice, the one in your head. It starts small, with just a whisper, but straining to hear the words only encourages the voice to grow into a loud, mean hiss. My little voice cycles through various accusations of incompetence, selfishness, fault, stupidity — whatever the insecurity of the day. When […]
To Be Better, Stop Being Bad
When writing, I sometimes use clichés because I’m lazy. I opt to be un-creative. Yet I want to be a better writer, one who doesn’t use clichés. Pondering this dilemma, I realized the only way for me to truly get better was to quit being bad — to quit giving myself a free pass to […]