Author’s note: This is the conclusion to a two-part series on finding peace. The first part was published last week and can be read here.
The word “peace” is often used to describe stillness, resolution, or a time absent of war. Parents (of children or animals) long for “peace and quiet,” while somewhere a stereotypical hippie flashes two fingers and chimes, “Peace, maaaaaaan.”
Peace comes in different forms at different times for different people. I asked some birthmothers what it looks like when they feel most at peace with their decision to place, and three women responded very similarly.
“Complete selflessness,” one birthmother said. “Seeing my daughter having a full and happy life with her family makes me immensely happy even though I can’t provide that for her.”
Another birthmom said, “Having my 5-year-old daughter state numerous times during our recent visit that she has the best mamas ever! I love that she is secure enough in our relationship to acknowledge that she has two mommies that love her more than anything. I know I made the right decision when I see her giant whirlwind of a personality. She couldn’t be happier, so how could I have been wrong?”
Angie, whose adopted daughter recently graduated from high school, said, “I don’t know if I will ever be at total peace with my adoption experience. However, I am most secure in my decision to place, rather than parent, when I see my daughter’s milestones, successes and achievements. She has had wonderful educational and travel opportunities with more to come, I’m sure. While it hurt that I was not included in her high school graduation celebrations it made me happy to see a photo of her in her gown and mortarboard flanked by family on both sides of her. I was alone on my graduation day, a terribly lonely, humiliating experience I wish on no one. I’m so glad that she has two parents and extended family who have, and will continue, to love and nurture her. I am so proud of her and excited to see what the future holds in store for her.”
Like these birthmothers, I, too, feel some peace when I see that my child is thriving. Although all of the parenting decisions are made by Robby and Marie, my heart rests better when I hear that they are making choices similar to what I would have made for Dominic. For example, Marie strongly encourages Dominic to play and explore, spending time with him outside and following him as he wanders throughout the house with his toys. She recently told me she has tried to distract him with the TV for a few minutes at a time so that she can prepare dinner or complete another task, but to no avail. Dominic has no interest in watching TV. That makes me extraordinarily happy. (although I feel for her in her predicament!)
I know I won’t agree with everything Robby and Marie choose for Dominic, but that’s OK. I gave up my right to make those choices and I accept that decision. But on the occasions when they happen to be raising him the way I imagined, I cannot help but feel more at peace.
On the flip side, peace evades me when I am embedded in grief. Sometimes the reality of my situation — that I am a mother who gave her child to someone else — knocks me off my feet. All the strings and implications attached to my decision to place bind me into a knot of perceived helplessness where fighting to free myself leads only to further entanglement.
Sandra Cantrell, the pregnancy counselor I interviewed and introduced in the first part of this series, suggested “acceptance” as a precursor to peace.
“Coping with the realities of the decision to place one’s child for adoption after the placement is often even more challenging to accept than all that comes prior to placement,” Cantrell said. “Accepting that the pregnancy occurred — along with all the complicated circumstances that entails — accepting the ups and downs of pregnancy, labor and delivery, accepting the decision-making process resulting in the placement of the baby are all challenges faced by birth parents.”
As with what is advocated in addiction recovery programs, acceptance of what cannot be changed is one of the first steps toward healing.
“But acceptance cannot be mandated or imposed on another,” Cantrell said. “To attain to a place of acceptance of an adoption decision is an honorable goal, but often an arduous journey.”
No one can do the work of acceptance but the one who needs it. This has been an especially hard lesson for me: no one can save me but myself.
Cantrell observed, “It takes a great deal of wisdom — I would say divine wisdom — to obtain balance between being a task master with one’s self — getting out of bed daily can be a chore, much less setting goals and planning for the future — and being nurturing and loving with one’s grieving soul and heart. One or more sources of support are essential.”
Along with a good support system, Cantrell said developing resiliency and self-efficacy — which is the belief that an individual can positively impact their own future — can help in the search for peace and acceptance.
Counseling is one way to build these skills, as well as reading books. I recommend anything by Brené Brown, “Boundaries” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and “Restorative Grief: A Guide to Healing from Adoption” by Cynthia Christensen (although I did not finish it, her book is specifically about birthmother grief). Connecting with other birthmothers is also a great way to build a support system (I love hearing from you!).
During the times when acceptance and peace are elusive, Cantrell recommends two methods: self-forgiveness and gratitude.
“Seeing oneself and others as forgiven by God, by other people and eventually by our children breaks down walls of guilt, self-hatred and isolation,” Cantrell said. “Another practice that I have known to foster healing for me and my clients in seasons of grief is the concept of gratitude and thanksgiving. Therapeutically, I have given homework assignments to clients to develop a gratitude journal or make a gratitude list at the beginning or end of each day. Relief from distress related to anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem and relationship strife, just to name a few, were reported from this practice.”
Cantrell recognized the practice of gratitude is counter-intuitive when someone is in the depths of despair.
“However, there is a healthy distraction from pain and grief that occurs when we realize there is always something for which we can be grateful,” Cantrell said. “Sometimes it is as basic as the air we breathe or freedom from incarceration or illness or homelessness. By ‘counting our blessings’ we balance out our feelings of being injured and damaged with feeling loved, cared for and blessed. Giving thanks is good medicine.”
What steps toward acceptance, healing and peace do you find helpful? Birthmothers, when do you feel most at peace with your decision to place? Leave a reply in the comment box below; please be familiar with the comment policy.
