Unplanned Pleasantries

As a little girl, I had big dreams. I wanted to be a college graduate, a wife, a mother. I’ve achieved these dreams, but not in the way my little girl imagination had laid it out.

In the perfect world inside my head, I thought I would go to college, find a husband, start a career, then have a family. My plan left no room for hiccups.

“Life is hard,” my dad would repeat to my young ears. I thought “hard” meant “difficult,” as in, I could still live a perfect life with just a little elbow grease.

These childish interpretations weren’t confronted with reality until I hit my 20s. I did become a mother, but my husband and I are not his parents. In fact, my husband isn’t even his biological father.

Not how I wanted my life to go.

Although I had been struggling with mental illness for some time (that wasn’t in the plan, either), I wasn’t aware of the gradual curve my path was taking. Since emerging from the dark forest of crisis and beginning to round the bend, I look back and see how my path has deviated from where I thought I was traveling.

For the Love of Birthmothers
Public Domain/Creative Commons

The course I charted for myself isn’t nearly as colorful or meaningful as the one I have actually been on. I never would have chosen to send myself through those scary woods, but I have reentered the sunlight with a new appreciation and perspective.

Part of coming to terms with my unplanned pregnancy and the subsequent adoption was accepting that my life had taken an irreversible turn away from the golden path I’d seen ahead.

Unplanned pregnancies are just that: unplanned. They don’t fit in with life as we know it. But in reference to my own journey, I have to believe my unplanned pregnancy was planned by Someone. My bad choices are my own, but the good things that came of them — including my child — are not something for which I can take full credit.

I prefer to think of unplanned pregnancies as “unplanned pleasantries.” No, morning sickness, stretch marks, and an aching back are not pleasant; but Dominic’s smile, his persistent curiosity and the way he spits out his food for fun ARE pleasant. Even if I am not there to see these every day, the knowledge of their existence is enough for me to call this experience “pleasant.”

Perhaps being a birth mother was not in the cards you thought you held as a little girl. But if you are like me, you might also look at your child — the precious result of your unplanned pregnancy — and be thankful.

By shifting my paradigm from “this is not what I wanted” to “this is better than what I wanted,” I feel free to love Dominic without any resentment. It lets me let go of the life I wanted, and call the life I have “pleasant.”

 

Do you ever feel thankful when you see or think of your child who you placed? Can you see any ways your life has turned out better than you thought it would? What do you think of calling an unplanned pregnancy an “unplanned pleasantry”? Comment below to share your thoughts.

8 thoughts on “Unplanned Pleasantries

  1. Megg

    You are such a gifted writer. In just two blog posts, you’ve made me cry more than once. Because your story is beautiful. It’s worth sharing. Having met you, I can safely say that you are an amazing woman. I am not a birth mother but you’ve touched my heart. I think we all imagine and plan out how our life will go…not knowing or realizing where we will actually be led. We forget that there are experiences out there that we never imagined, that there are others out there experiencing things that we don’t even know about. I’m having a difficult time putting into words how I feel about your blog and what I want to say….so, I’ll just say thank you for sharing. Thank you for being willing to help others (like myself) see life in a different, more meaningful way. I consider myself blessed to know you, both personally and through your blog.

    • Emily

      You are too sweet, Megg. Thank you for your kind words; your support is so encouraging to me!

  2. Christine hall

    Very well written. Looking forward to reading more!

    • Emily

      Thank you, Christine!

  3. Miss Emily ~~ I too am impressed with not only what you have shared but how it is written, poured out (if you will) in a honest form. I, like Megg, am not a “birth mom – of an adopted out” child. My heart goes out to you in your bravery to adopt out the beauty and for now sharing and encouraging others.

    I look forward to learning more about life through your experiences.

    • Emily

      Thank you, Kathleen!

  4. Thank you for sharing your story with us. A favorite line: “The course I charted for myself isn’t nearly as colorful or meaningful as the one I have actually been on.” I think this statement would apply to so many of us. It’s a testament to our resilience as human beings that we find meaning and “color” in the uncharted course. xoA

    • Emily

      Thank you, Annis! I appreciate your thoughtful comments.

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